Before we highlight the frequency at which it comes to moms judging other moms today, let’s take a look back some 31 years ago. 

It was a Wednesday in October 1987.  Baby Jessica was only 18 months old.  It would take more than two days to save this sweet, innocent, beautiful child and the world was glued to the TV, crying, praying then eventually cheering when baby Jessica was rescued from the well she’d fallen into.

The difference between 30 years ago and today

Thirty years ago there was so much support and very little judgment for one another.  Today, there is so much judgment and not enough support.

What do moms judge each other for?

The list would be much shorter if asked what moms do not judge each other for.  Moms are judged for:

• breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding
• cloth diapers vs. disposable diapers
• vaccinating vs. not vaccinating 
• nursing in public
• screentime
• what we feed our children (organic? fast food?)
• sleeping arrangements
• cry-it-out vs. no-cry options (aka sleep training)
• stay-at-home vs. working mom
  • wait- you stay home?  What do you DO all day?? 
• free-range parenting vs. helicopter parenting
• sleeping arrangements (bedsharing vs. crib)
• public behavior
• daycare vs. nanny
• how their children are dressed
• number of children you have
• age at which you have your child(ren)
• picky eaters and what you do about it
• discipline methods
• circumcision choice
• child’s name
• mom’s appearance
  • you haven’t lost the baby weight yet?
  • she’s too polished
• extended breastfeeding
• kindergarten redshirting
• birth location (home birth vs. hospital)
• schooling choices (public vs. private vs. homeschool vs. unschooling)
• child’s weight
• adoption choices

You guys.  This. Is. Insane.  And, this is not an all-inclusive list.  I posted this question to a Facebook moms group local to me and there were more than 120 comments!  

Why are we judging each other and is it ok?  Let’s examine some problems with judging and then consider whether it’s ok or not to judge.

Problem #1 with Moms Judging Other Moms

You’re modeling bad behavior for your children. 

They’re watching you all the time; even when you think they’re not.  We need to practice what we preach.  If we are in the middle of a playdate and little Sally Jane overhears the grown-up conversation happening in the next room about “so-and-so doesn’t vaccinate their kids- how negligent,” Sally Jane is subconsciously filing that away as acceptable behavior. 

By the way, about that vaccination judgment example: most people are doing the best the can and what they believe is best for their children.  

Side note: I’m not perfect and don’t claim to be so if you ever hear me speaking unkindly about another person, please- bring it to my attention.  That’s not who I want to be, and I will happily reflect on a mistake I make any day of the week; especially when it’s going to make me a better version of myself.

With that said, I’ve done it.  I have modeled bad behaviors plenty of times that I’m not proud of.  Life is a work in progress for all of us.  There is admiration to be seen when you can look at yourself critically and make changes to become a better you.  THAT is good modeling for your children!

Problem #2 with Moms Judging Other Moms

You’re defining yourself.

Not too long ago I posted my feelings on my personal Facebook page forgetting every time you do that, you open the door to judgment.  I shared that I am feeling sadness as a result of an unexpected change in my life.

Surprisingly, a family member publicly cut me down in her attempt at minimizing my situation because she’s been suffering through her own journey.  Thankfully, a friend kindly took the time to respond with this link to grief comparison. 

When you pass judgment, and especially when you say it out loud to someone else, you’re revealing how insecure you are about yourself.  

Naturally, when we are insecure, we compare ourselves, or our circumstances, to others.  While it took quite some time, I was able to recognize this and internally offer grace to the family member who hurt me.  I believe in my heart that was not her intent.

Problem #3 with Moms Judging Other Moms

You are making the other person, and yourself feel bad.

How do you feel when you do something nice for another person?  Good, right?  I would even say when you do something nice for someone else, and you feel better/happier than the person you served. 

Fact: It feels good to do good!

Is it ok to judge?

No one is perfect.  Every single person judges another at some point in their day, even.  

We can all share our beliefs without being unkind.  Alice Roosevelt Longworth popularized and likely crafted the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

I believe it can be ok to judge if you’re not outwardly hurting someone else because it’s normal.  The world would be boring if we were all the same. 

I believe most people do the best they can with what they have.  Not always, but mostly and most people.

The action you take with your judgment is what makes it ok – or not.

I wrote about a time I outwardly and unkindly judged a woman I passed in a grocery store with her dog.  I appreciated a friend calling me out on my judgment because it helped me change my view and become a better person myself.  You can read why I then felt terrible about judging that woman if you’d like.  

What have you been judged for?  Share in the comments below!